Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.