They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas