friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.