One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?