I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
new career option?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself