I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”