banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks