Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I am a gravy boat captain
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!