Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
You Might Also Like
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Bootstraps
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.