Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
courtroom exchange of the day
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.