Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.