Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
me doing my best
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower