the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside