Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
#damn
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Liquor Store Parking
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good