The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?