Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You Might Also Like
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
the icebreaker
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now