[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
pat pat
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.