Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature