Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
so, is there a mister shapen head
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”