If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes