I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!