I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”