You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.