Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I put the h in mysterious.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage