*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”