Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
You Might Also Like
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible