“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Just me and my debit card against the world
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.