They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*