Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.