Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I am patiently waiting for your email
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.