me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
my first dose meeting my second