life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Warm pools make me nervous.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
*bites zombie*
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.