Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Sunday
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?