If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any