Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
They’re really bad with fonts.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.