They’re stuck in your pants?
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair