I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
You Might Also Like
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.