Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The USS B port
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.