Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.