I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet