*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
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[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
so i’m at the stock market right
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium