*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?