THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
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Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.