I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”