*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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Lmao
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.