Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage