You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Customer is always right
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.