Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?