When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Netflix: We have Less
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.