if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-